How to tackle your spouse's overspending

If one too many surprising holiday credit card charges has you sweating, it's time for a chat with your spouse.

Beware: As Deborah Price, author of The Heart of Money: A Couple's Guide to Creating True Financial Intimacy, puts it, "Money is an area where we're prone to being irrational, illogical, and overly emotional."

To broach the topic of overspending without initiating World War III, adopt this game plan.

THE GROUND RULES

Time it right. Choose a time when you're both relaxed, like a weekend morning, and make sure you each have at least half an hour free.

No accusations or hyperbole. Don't start sentences with "You did"; focus on "We." And while comments like "Are you trying to put us in the poorhouse?" may be emotionally satisfying in the moment, they're ineffective in the long run.

Don't use the B-word. "The word 'budget' has a negative connotation," says Price. Instead, come up with a "spending plan" -- a term more likely to resonate with a spendthrift.

Follow up. These chats work best if done on a regular basis. Schedule a monthly money date to stay on track.

YOUR BEST APPROACH

1. Opening gambit: "I'm feeling a little stressed about money. Now that the holidays are over, I'm worried we may have spent too much. Can we talk about our financial plans?"

The strategy: Start by sharing how you're feeling, not what you think your spouse is doing wrong.

"When you do this, the reaction from your partner is more likely to be, 'Oh, I'm causing my partner to feel a certain way,' " says Price. "So he or she is naturally more inclined to say, 'I'm sorry,' rather than become defensive."

2. Take some of the heat: "I know that tennis club I joined set us back quite a bit."

The strategy: Accepting part of the responsibility can prevent your husband or wife from becoming too defensive to have a productive conversation.

If you can't cop to any overspending, think about how else you've contributed to the situation: Are you, say, too controlling about money? Unplanned purchases might be your partner's way of fighting back.

Notes Boston planner Lisa Peterson, who specializes in counseling couples: "Remember, there are things you do that your spouse is not always happy with either."

3. Meet defensiveness head-on: "I love you, and I didn't mean to make you angry. How can we talk about this without getting into trouble with each other?"

The strategy: Sometimes the subject of money itself is enough to raise hackles. Asking for the right way to discuss the issue helps defuse the tension, says Maggie Baker, a psychologist who focuses on money matters.

4. Keep it in context: "I ran the numbers. If we keep spending this way, it will take us another five years until we can afford the kind of house we want."

The strategy: "Putting the overspending in the context of the greater picture is more effective than being nitpicky," says Peterson. "When you bring the focus back to your joint values and goals, your partner will be more receptive."

5. Let your spouse take the wheel: "We got into a jam this time. How do you think we can avoid it in the future?"

The strategy: When you start talking about how to proceed, "Give control over to the person who is being criticized," says Baker. "Let your spouse think the solution is his or her idea." 

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How to talk about money before saying I DO...

Our biggest Mistake was nto talking about MONEY

While many engaged couples are able to hash out which photographer to use at the ceremony and who to sit Aunt Edna next to at the reception, they can't seem to broach the topic of their finances -- a discussion that could make or break their marriage.

Money is the leading source of disagreement for couples, whether they're just hitched or have been married for decades, and in extreme cases, tensions about household finances can even lead to divorce.

To prevent that from happening, couples need to have a serious discussion about their finances long before they say "I do."

Everything should be put on the table, from current income and debts to attitudes towards money and how to approach financial goals like buying a house or saving for retirement, says Gail Cunningham, a longtime financial counselor and spokeswoman for the National Foundation for Credit Counseling. With many newlyweds entering marriage with piles of student loan or credit card debt, such financial honesty is especially important.

Related: How to tackle a spouse's overspending

"Like it or not, we carry with us financial baggage, and that baggage is not always negative, but it's there," Cunningham said. "Even positive differences can lead to disagreement."

Yet while many newlyweds will pledge to be with each other "for richer" or "poorer," they often dread talking about money matters.

Nearly 70% of adults in a recent National Foundation for Credit Counseling survey said they had negative feelings about discussing money with a fiancé, while more than 20% said the discussion would either lead to a fight, reveal unknown financial issues or even cause them to break off the engagement.

Many people simply haven't learned how to talk about money with others, said Dr. Terri Orbuch, a social psychologist and author of "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great."

The way people approach money is often heavily influenced by the way they were raised, she said. For instance, someone who had an allowance or opened a savings account at a young age may be more used to sticking to a budget. Someone who was given many gifts as a child may view spending money as a way to express love.

Related: Get a co-worker to pick up the slack

By identifying differences in the way they approach their finances, couples can set ground rules as they merge finances. A spender who marries a saver will need to learn how to stick to a monthly budget and embrace savings goals, for example. An impulse shopper will need to strike a balance with a partner who is more deliberate about big-ticket purchases.

"We're coming from different families and households and neighborhoods," Orbuch said. "We are bound to have different meanings for money and that leads to conflict unless we talk about it."

Here are more tips from the experts:

• Stay calm. Don't ambush your partner with a money talk. Instead, find a low stress time when you can approach the topic.
• Be honest. Hiding income or debt from your partner now will only cause larger problems down the road.
• Get detailed. There are many ways to merge finances. Figure out a banking situation and budget that works for you both.
• Talk about family. From loaning money to a sibling to caring for aging parents, you and your partner should be on the same page with how you will approach all types of situations.
• Talk regularly. Don't just talk about finances when times are tough.

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