Thursday, August 29, 2013

The Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Text

by  | on August 27, 2013


According to Wikipedia, the text message was invented in the late 1980s to enhance mobile communication for the deaf – sort of like how the Internet was invented for NASA but worked out really well for porn.
Here, to help everyone behave a little better, are the Top Ten things you should never communicate in 140 characters.
(Note: the below only applies to people and situations you care about, or are trying to seem like you care about).

Big Secrets

The “forward” feature was invented to make it easy to send an exact copy of a text to many, many people. It also very conveniently allows you to alter the original message to take out things like, “Don’t tell anyone but…” for example. Tread lightly.

Sincere Apologies

Not like, “sorry I didn’t make it out last night, totally crashed.” That’s valid. More like, “I’ve been thinking about our fight and it really was dick of me to ignore you at that party cuz I was pissed from the night before.” That’s invalid, over the character limit, and bound to send you back to the doghouse for at least another day. Also, it’s not an apology.

Birthday wishes to really good friends

Please just call. And if you go to voicemail, please leave a nice message. Yes, modern times have made it acceptable and common to handle things the quick and easy way, but for certain people, acceptable and common is not enough. Take one minute out of your life and let your really close friend know you’re happy they were born.
And if you have to ask yourself if the person is a good enough friend to call versus text, they’re not.

Legit Congratulations

See above. Replace “you’re happy they exist” with “you’re so proud they won an Emmy.”

Pictures of your privates and/or brand new engagement ring

The boobs shot will get passed around like hot foreign athletes in an Olympic Village. The engagement ring will just annoy the shit out of whomever you send it to.

Passive aggressive fight starters

“Um, r u dead or just ignoring me?”

Responses to passive aggressive fight starters

“Just ignoring u”
Fact: The fastest way to escalate a fight is to conduct it over a medium that doesn’t allow for tone. Text, IM, Gchat, email, BBM – all instruments that will further the fight.

Condolences

It’s hard to convey true sorrow for any kind of loss on a 3×3 inch screen, unless what was lost is someone else’s dignity. In that case “Dude that chick was busted” works just fine.

Break-Ups

Don’t do this. Ever. If you’re asking “why?” then you don’t deserve to be in a relationship with another human.

Initiation of a first date

Last because it’s sure to elicit the most eye rolls. Listen, I think text is a wonderful tool for sending snippets of info to speed up communication and save cell phone minutes (if those even still exist). I also acknowledge that it’s very nerve-wracking to make that first date set-up call and very easy to type, “Hey, it’s Joe from last night. Want 2 hang Fri?” Bottom line, if you’re too nervous to call me, you’re too nervous to date me. TC mark

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